It's Tough Being a Woman

Well it's been a very long time since I've opened this blog and typed anything out.  Honestly, I feel like I've become lazy in certain ways.  Mostly in my relationships.  I'm so easily consumed with my family, that so much time passes and I haven't reached out, haven't made an effort, and sadly, haven't even thought of.  This also includes my relationship with Christ.  I will go through a day lost in all the tasks to complete, all the little people I have to care for and all the thoughts that flow in and out, that at night when my face hits the pillow, I quickly fall asleep.  I do feel like I'm in a season of just wandering around, not having a destination, or a goal to work towards.  I ask myself all the time, "is this normal?"  Granted 'tis the season.  It's winter, and it's true, joy is harder to find, and emotions are heightened.

This past week, all 3 of my kids have been sick.  First it started with Caleb.  He rarely is ever sick, but this time it hit pretty hard.  He was so sad, and miserable.  He uttered words like "I feel like I'm dying Mom" or "I just want to die it's so bad".  First of all, where did he learn this from??  I know he's 9, but he's still my innocent boy!  Those 2 days I had him home alone with me, I loved it.  These moments don't happen regularly.  And he needed me.  I sometimes mourn the loss of my babies, now that they are all grown up, and for those 2 days, I got my first born back, I could care for him in tangible ways, practical ways, and I was in my element!  But then quickly, I realized things I was going to miss out on.  Missed out on dinner at a friends.  As simple as it sounds, I was so looking forward to not having to cook a meal!  To leave the house and not worry about it being cleaned.  Basically I just wanted to get out!  Then the weekend rolled around, and my girl wakes up sick.  I was discouraged.  But after voicing my feelings to my husband (who is so awesome) he quickly arranged a night out with a friend for me, so I had that to look forward to.  I was able to spend my day comforting my darling who was down and out, all the while anticipating a night out.  Sunday hits, and my baby wakes up sick too.  Both were so sick with fevers.  So the nursing continued.  Be careful what you wish for I guess!  Caleb was still not 100%, but well enough to play and do things, the other two, I spent wiping noses, tears, and foreheads.  This continued on for 3 more days after.  But finally I can say that all 3 kids are back to school, maybe still not 100%, but back to a routine we work so hard to keep.  It's amazing how a full 7 days of sickness can bury your spirit.  But I'm coming around.

The new year brought a new Bible study for the group I attend.  I've done this study before, so again I felt discouraged when they announced the study of Esther by Beth Moore.  I wanted something new.  So my first thought was, "I just won't attend" and "I don't need to, I'll only be bored".  But I felt the nudge to sign myself up.  I came home and dug out my study book.  When I pulled it off the shelf, I was shocked at the condition of it.  The cover was all torn away, and some pages ripped or missing.  Funny, I couldn't remember that ever happening to the book.  I then was trying to remember when I actually did the study, and I really couldn't think of it.  I can visualize the homes we were studying it in, and the ladies in the group at the time, but I couldn't pinpoint on my life time line when it was.  But after looking at the condition of the book, I thought it must have been after Amberly was born, and little hands who like to tear things apart must have been the excuse.  Then I started to go through week one and when I was reading my answers, I quickly verified that it was after Amberly was born, because clearly I wasn't working with a fully functioning brain, my answers didn't  reflect the question in any way, shape or form!  So it's like I've never done this study before really!!!

The one thing Beth reflects on is the statement "it's tough being a woman....."  One of the activities is to fill in the blanks, with 3 different examples.  I'll leave you with my 3 finishing statements...

It's tough being a woman, when as soon as your feet hit the floor in the morning the responsibilities of everything that has breath in the house falls onto my shoulders, and I'm lucky if I can make it into the bathroom without someone noticing!

It's tough being a woman, when I feel like I have to justify everything I do to everyone around me.

It's tough being a woman, when guilt follows you everywhere you go.